Home   Log in   BEER MAP   BEER DEFINITIONS   BEER THEORY OF HISTORY  CONTACT US

Archive for March, 2013

Keegan Ales Joe Mama’s Milk Coffee Stout

March 19th, 2013 by Android | 1 Comment | Filed in Uncategorized

DISB Rating– 70 – I would not serve this to Scarlett Johanssen unless she insisted.
TMTB rating – 80 – Overpowering coffee flavor keeps it in the low 80’s but above the 70’s because it seems fairly unique, but unique for good reason.
Style Rating – 88 – Look it is coffee flavored stout, it clearly achieves what it set out to do if you love Coffee and you love stout and think you would love them together, this may be a 100 on both style and MTB(Must Try Beer) ratings for you.

The flavor of this brew reflects its name absolutely. Very much an in your face take it or leave it product. For some reason this brings to mind the Big Wang Theory of Presidential politics.1

In 1975 National Lampoon introduced this theory to the general public. It held that the candidate with the largest Wang would win the White House. What prompted the article was National Lampoon’s belief that both parties were trying to lose the 1976 Presidential Election in anticipation of a tanking economy. The thinking was whoever won 1976 would be stuck holding a big bag of economic shit in 1980 and that stink would last at least a decade. National Lampoon hit the nail on the head; the Democrats won in 1976 and were screwed in 1980 and beyond. 2

We can see the proof of this theory starting as early as 1948 when Truman shocked the pundits and caught Dewey by surprise.3 It is not surprising that the only person in human history, to date, to authorize the use of atomic weapons against large population centers, would have a large enough schlong to win the presidency. What had pundits confused was that he beat out a former governor of New York, the most successful of New York politicians, where every successful politician is generally recognized as being a giant prick.4

In 1952 we get Dwight D. Eisenhower, the man who stormed Normandy and crushed Nazi Germany, no doubt his member could please the masses. Next up, John F. Kennedy whose phallic prowess was so legendary that Marilyn Monroe practically came while singing Happy Birthday to him. Moreover, he beat off the challenge of the biggest trickiest and most obnoxious dick California politics ever produced, Richard M. Nixon. Kennedy was followed by LBJ, the biggest meanest Johnson the Lone Star state ever unleashed on the national political stage. In LBJ’s stead the Democrats put up Hubert “humpty dumpty” Humphrey and later George Mcgovern, both of whom cracked before Nixon’s tricky dickery.

This brings us back to Gerald Ford, who inspired the National Lampoon article. They heard on good authority5 that the Democrats were trying to get around the constitution and draft a Southeast Asian candidate; they settled on the next best thing, Jimmy Carter. Unfortunately for the Democrats the pundits were right and Carter’s teeny weenie still looked long and strong in relation to Ford. But then came Ronald Reagan, star of screen and GE employee pep talks, possibly the biggest swinging dick ever to run for President. It is rumored that Nancy would not even give him a blow job because of his size.6 He swept Carter out of office like floor dust.

Now, the Republicans figured they had the formula, take 8 and give away 4 and you will control the office 2/3rds of the time. That is why George H. W. Bush was Reagan’s perfect runnning mate, a prep school cowboy wannabe; there was no way the Democrats could produce a more anemic symbol of phallic magnitude. Yet, somehow in 1988 the Democrats returned the favor of 1976 and nominated Michael Dukakis. Riding around in that M-1 Tank with his suit and oversized helmet, he exuded the the willie of a Wonka-philic little boy. 7, What a brilliant move by the Democratic Committee, Bush was caught with his pants down and his manhood, or lack thereof, exposed as Reagan’s economic miracle went into a tailspin. Even military victory against a second tier third world dictator was not enough to protect him from the huge beaver beater that is and was Bill Clinton.

Then in 2000, the man whose public appearences were so stiff and awkward, the press referred to him as the “Big Woodie,” Al Gore had his election victory overturned by the Supreme Court. He lost to the bumbling ramblings of that gargantuan Schmuck, arguably our first Jewish President, George W. Bush. This leaves us finally with Barack Obama and begs the question: Will a white man ever win the White House again?

1. The Editor’s – Don’t waste your time reading any more of Android’s drivel: Keegan Ales Joe Mamas Milk Coffee Stout – Aroma dark chocolate coffee with slight smoke and sweet grass; Head – full with nice holding power and lacing; Color – deep opaque very deep browm black that reflects dark red garnet off the glass in the right light; Flavor – Slight caramel, slight smoke mocha giving way to nearly pure sweetened coffee flavor. From front to back coffee totally dominates the product, so if you are not looking for hard core coffee stout, don’t waste your time with this product either.

2. (Android) – National Lampoon argued that Nixon at the behest of the Republican party, chose Gerald Ford as his successor, not so much because he would pardon him, but because he had a small weiner. Many pundits in the know believed it may have been one of the smallest in American Presidential History, not even surpassing Franklin Pierce or Martin Van Buren. As the Lampoon opined: “Even Shirley Chisolm has a bigger bird than Jerry Ford”). But I digress, the point is this theory seems to hold water.

3. DeweyTruman

4. (Beertheostorian A) – I would posit that the Big Wang Theory has held sway since the 1924 Presidential erection, the first after the passage of the 19th Amendment, where “Silent Cal” Calvin Coolidge fully embodied the Theodore Roosevelt adage, “walk softly and carry a Big Stick.”

5. (The Editors) National Lampoon and good authority is an oxymoron.

6. Nancy Davis (The Editor’s) – Yes rumored in the offices of Tavernator.com

7. M-1 (The Editor’s) – Trust us it looked much worse in video.

(Android) Originating from the Island of Crete, the name Dukakis, literally translated, means “Cock twice the size of a normal man” yet was used as an ironic pejorative meaning more accurately* “cock twice the size of a normal infant.”
kis defined(The Editor’s) – accuracy has an extremely relative and fluid meaning here, much like Android’s concept of reality.

The Editor’s – Don’t waste your time reading any more of Android’s drivel: Keegan Ales Joe Mamas Milk Coffee Stout – Aroma dark chocolate coffee with slight smoke and sweet grass; Head – full with nice holding power and lacing; Color – deep opaque very deep browm black that reflects dark red garnet off the glass in the right light; Flavor – Slight caramel, slight smoke mocha giving way to nearly pure sweetened coffee flavor. From front to back coffee totally dominates the product, so if you are not looking for hard core coffee stout, don’t waste your time with this product either.
(Android) – National Lampoon argued that Nixon at the behest of the Republican party, chose Gerald Ford as his successor, not so much because he would pardon him, but because he had a small weiner. Many pundits in the know believed it may have been one of the smallest in American Presidential History, not even surpassing Franklin Pierce or Martin Van Buren. As the Lampoon opined: “Even Shirley Chisolm has a bigger bird than Jerry Ford”). But I digress, the point is this theory seems to hold water.
(Beertheostorian A) – I would posit the theory that the Big Wang Theory has held sway since the 1924 Presidential erection, the first after the passage of the 19th Amendment, where “Silent Cal” Calvin Coolidge fully embodied the Theodore Roosevelt adage, “walk softly and carry a Big Stick.”
(The Editors) National Lampoon and good authority is an oxymoron.
Nancy Davis (The Editor’s) – Yes rumored in the offices of Tavernator.com
M-1 (The Editor’s) – Trust us it looked much worse in video.

(Android) Originating from the Island of Crete, the name Dukakis, literally translated, means “Cock twice the size of a normal man” yet was used as an ironic pejorative meaning more accurately* “cock twice the size of a normal infant.”
kis defined(The Editor’s) – accuracy has an extremely relative and fluid meaning here, much like Android’s concept of reality.