America in Crisis – He said “Winers”, not “Whiners.” Part Three – Case Study of Large scale Wine Consumption undermining essential shared cultural values

November 5th, 2008 by admin | Filed under Essentials of Beertheostory, Post Cold War - 1989.

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by Beertheostorian A
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Let me demonstrate the damage wine drinking can have on American shared cultural values. In 2005 Wine drinking for a short while became more popular than beer drinking. In that year America’s shared cultural understanding of the term “Fab Five” shifted.  It went from Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Juwon Howard, Jimmy King, and Ray Jackson of the Michigan Wolverines to the flamboyantly femmed out homosexual clowns from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This subtle destruction of a nation building shared cultural value so essential to imbeerialist leadership is a solid case study on the negative effects of increased wine consumption as a libation.

Think about it “Fab Five” once meant five men who played a sport, invented in America, on behalf of one of the great land grant public universities, another American invention, sporting a great symbol of America’s conquest over the wild frontier, the wolverine. These five men who struck terror in the hearts of their opponents; big, fast, strong, yet graceful, represented the quintessential essence of American masculinity. That is a beer drinking shared cultural value.

Now “Fab Five” means five flamboyantly femmed out homosexuals  performing fashion make-overs. First, the fashion make-over is clearly a French import sport.1 Furthermore, the five flamboyantly femmed out homosexuals even have the beer drinking gay community up in arms as negatively representing their community. These “men” clearly represent a languid, effete wine induced shared cultural value.

Worse yet, the wine drinking weanies who now run the NCAA have tried to erase the beer drinker’s Fab Five from the record books, just because they found out, many years later, that some of the beer drinking alumnus slipped a few extra bucks into the hands of Chris Webber to get him to come to Michigan. The men on both sides of the transaction should be awarded honorary degrees in advanced American economics for their thorough understanding of the importance of incentives and opportunity in economic transactions.  That is why wine should be left in the kitchen and not at the bar. Utilizing wine as a libation and not as a cooking ingredient threatens the very foundations of what made America number 1.

Yet, how can you get involved? How can you best fulfill your patriotic duty to America, aside from lobbying your congressman, Senator and President for that top secret Peak Beer project? First check out this web-log daily, even if nothing changes for months or years at a time. Read every web-log comment and add your own. Second read the web-log. Third, encourage your patriotic beer drinking friends to visit the web-log, read it, buy and drink more great beer while doing so. Fourth, engage the wine drinking weanies where they live and congregate in an effort to make them proper beer drinkers.

Remember these people have major inferiority complexes, you know the whole prom thing, so they have built up a whole stratum of defenses and rationalizations to hide this sense of inferiority. The most common defense they use is intellectualizing the imbibing process. Here they will intellectualize the process of enjoying their libation, wine: They will describe its flavor, “chocolate with a hint of blackberry and vanilla,”2 its texture, “a heavy almost blood like texture,”  and its nose or bouquet, “it has the bouquet of an aborigine’s armpit.”3 Here you meet them on their turf, describing the beer, its aroma, texture and flavor. Furthermore, you should remind them that wine should only be used for cooking, after all it enhances the flavor of many foods making them go better with beer.

While the urge to just beat the piss out of them is normal and maybe even commendable, they are U. S. citizens. Moreover, it is a criminal act which could land you in jail or even prison. I realize that this should not stop a true beer drinker of principal, but it is also a tort, meaning once you get out of prison or jail, you will still end up owing the little weanie some money, which he will likely spend on wine rather than beer. This means that money you could have spent on drinking beer went to drinking wine and that is bad for America, so save your money and buy the weanie a great beer if all else fails; it is your patriotic duty.
This is what Phil Gramm meant when he said: “We have sort of become a nation of winers. You just hear about this constant wining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline . . . You’ve heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession.” Get out of the funk, drink more great beer.

1 (Beertheostorian A) More on the French and the damage wine drinking has inflicted on their society in a later article.

2 sounds more like ice cream than wine.

3 Monty Python’s Flying Circus on Australian wines.

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