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The Beer Theory of History – Introduction

September 7th, 2008 by admin | Filed under Ancient History, Essentials of Beertheostory, Introduction, Post Cold War - 1989, Post French Revolution, Post Gutenberg Press - 1440, Post Western Roman Empire - 500 A.D., Post World War II.

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by Beertheostorian A 1
Sponsored by Scherer & Company Liquors

As we all know, the United States of America is currently the world’s sole superpower. What is not well understood is that the United States holds this lofty position through its foundation as the greatest beer producing nation in the history of mankind. It is this fact that makes the Beer Theory of History so important to understand and develop. The basic premise of the beer theory of history is simple, the nation that produces the most and best beer wins; i.e., the world’s leading imbeerialist power.2 Yet, beyond this basic premise, the exact formula for success is unclear. The trends can be charted, but our operations do not have access to the high level computer modeling software and hardware necessary to devise the exact formula.

What we do know is that America produces billions of gallons of beer annually and a significant portion of it outstanding beer. No longer are we a nation where Australians could legitimately joke, “Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? . . . Because it is fucking close to water!” While America still produces beer deserving of such a quip, Coors Light being the most notorious offender in this category, we’ve “come a long way baby!”3 With great offerings from the likes of the Ommegang Brewery of Cooperstown, NY, Shipyard Brewery of Portland, Maine, the Harpoon Brewery of Boston, the Dogfishhead Brewery of Delaware, Abita Brewery in Louisiana, let alone the great breweries of the west like Mendicino, Anchor, or Stone Brewing companies, just to name a few, we have surpassed brewing mediocrities, like Australia, not only in production of the quantity of beer, but in the production of high quality beer. With our superior water supply, we now stand at the precipice of true greatness producing the best of the best: better German style beers than the Germans; better English style beers than the English; better Belgian style beers than the Belgians; better Czech style beers than the Czechs. America is no longer the laughingstock of the beer producing world. It was the growth of this great beer production which forced the capitulation of our closest imbeerialist rival, the Soviet Union.4

We even produce great IPA’s, an essential ingredient in any successful imbeerialist project since their inception.5

Despite all this progress from the mid to early 1980’s onward, currently, the United States has fallen behind China in total beer production, since about 2003. Fortunately, we still produce more great beer and since the concept is most and best beer, the U. S., still retains an advantage. Unfortunately, with the Belgian/Brazilian combine, In Bev, buying out our largest brewer, Anheuser Busch, the waters become murkier as to what is or is not American Beer production.

In light of these changes, developing this knowledge, creating and fine tuning the predictive historical formulas has become critical to ensuring continued American world hegemony, the whole point of imbeerialism or for that matter imperialism. Ensuring continued beer hegemony is the foremost issue in our nation’s plethora of national security concerns even usurping Islamo-fascist terrorism and bears. This is why I am calling on the U.S. government to commission me to conduct a study, using our top theoretical mathematicians, and historical statisticians to coordinate and organize all of the available information so we can determine where America now stands in terms Peak Beer.6 Figuring in the additional expenses involved with developing computer modeling hardware, software, intelligence and data gathering activities under highly classified or top secret conditions, standard cost overruns and the need for extreme redundancy, such a study would only cost 2 or 3 billion dollars. This is a bargain considering this is the nation’s top national security issue. As the primary contractor, I would hope to bring the kind of efficiencies that private companies, like Haliburton, have brought to government spending in places like Iraq or Katrina relief in New Orleans.

This web-log is the first salvo in an effort to raise American consciousness to the political necessity of understanding and adapting to the beer theory of history. You the people, must express the necessary desire to your President, Congressman, and Senators that this $2 – 3 billion study, headed by me as the primary or General Contractor, is a necessary and essential effort in ensuring the continuing hegemony of this nation in world affairs.7 Over time, this web-log will arm you with the necessary knowledge you need to pursue this agenda. This blog will provide irrefutable anecdotal evidence of this theory backed by statistical analogy.8 It should be noted that all serious historians all agree that beer was an important drink for the ancient Sumerian and Egyptian civilizations and some historians even believe it was the core product around which these civilizations formed. This blog will address those issues as well as the conundrums of Greek and Roman civilizations, from the rise of modern European hegemony to the rise of the United States as a Super Power. The blog will also feature famous figures from history and their connection to the Beer Theory of History. The blog will also demonstrate how brewers have always had their hands on the levers of power in great civilizations and the impact a former brewer had on the trajectory of world history. The blog will also address contemporary issues and crises, the most pressing being the wine revolution in America today. For anybody with any doubts, this is a work of serious and learned scholarship.9 Its conclusions should not be trifled with lightly.10 I call upon you, the American people to make this dream a reality and save America from sinking into the mediocrity and decline that has afflicted previous great hegemonists like Great Britain, France, Rome, or Egypt.

Definitions:

Adjunct: Usually a grain, such as corn, Rolling Rock, Miller, or rice, Anheuser Busch that is not approved by the German Rheinheitsgebot, which requires all beer to be made from water, malted barley, hops, and yeast* and nothing else. *Yeast was not included in the original law as they did not have the scientific knowledge to identify yeast as the catalyst for fermentation.

Cutting edge of large American trend: Any person who is more than 20% heavier than their ideal height to weight ratio, or more commonly known as clinically obese.

John Grisham Like Legal Career: An attorney who turns to writing books for a more steady source of income than their legal work.

Imbeerialism or imbeerialist refers to a concept or a nation practicing the concept, consciously or unconsciously, that the nation with the most and best beer wins and that winning means being able to dominate and influence the socio-economic, cultural, and political structures of other
nations as a result of this beer superiority.

Peak Oil: A really depressing concept that we have reached a peak in global production of oil and it is all downhill from here. Dick Cheney even did a speech on it in 1999, but as evidence of how discredited the theory is today, Mr. Cheney has never verified theory while in office. There is also some expectation that Santa Claus will be the primary source of oil in about fifty years or so.

Phillip Morris: Tobacco giant who owns the Virginia Slims brand of cigarettes, who in 1968 started the “You’ve come a long way baby” advertising campaign and with its profits were the first to sponsor women’s professional tennis. This has encouraged women throughout the years to take up tennis, a sport everyone agrees if participated in, can have significant health benefits. Just look at the health of Anna Kournikova, Venus Williams and Maria Sharapova. No one can deny that Phillip Morris made this possible. Large breweries, like Anheuser Busch have also supported healthy activities like soccer, football and baseball, so it follows that brewing and tobacco are legitimately part of the health industry and have been directly responsible for its growth, along with companies like McDonalds.

Spiro T. Agnew Alumnus: Someone who started their college career at The Johns Hopkins University (JHU), but completed it elsewhere. This category of alumnus is not officially recognized by JHU nor has it ever even been used in private conversations by officials of JHU.

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1 (The Editors) Beertheostorian A is a Spiro T. Agnew Alumnus of The Johns Hopkins University. He is currently an attorney who is experiencing a John Grisham like legal career. He is also involved in the cutting edge of one of the largest trends in America today. (See definitions)

2 See Definitions.

3 We acknowledge that we are borrowing a joke from Monty Python, live at the Hollywood Bowl (See http://www.montypython.net/hbowlmm1.php) and a phrase from our brethren in the health industry, Phillip Morris. (see definitions)

4 (The Editors) See our upcoming blog entry, “How Jimmy Carter and Sam Adams won the Cold War.” or something similarly titled.

5 IPA Imperialist Project Ale, often commonly referred to as India Pale Ale. This is a standard British style pale ale supercharged with extra hops and a higher alcohol content to survive the trip from Britain to India. Developed around the 1780’s for export to troops supporting British Imbeerialism in India and later other parts of the world. The long voyage would age the beer mellowing out some of the extremes the extra hops and alcohol would otherwise add to the flavour.

6 Peak Beer, a concept similar to Peak Oil where a nation has reached its Peak Beer producing capacity based upon available resources and reasonable demand. (See Definitions) Fortunately for the United States, Peak Beer is not as harsh an absolute as Peak Oil in terms of supply as certain simple policy changes could easily increase the availability of malted barley and hops, annually renewable resources. It is the demand side that is of greater concern as Americans increasingly choose wine as a beverage of choice. In the early 1980’s it appeared that the United States had achieved Peak Beer status as Breweries closings continued unabated. Yet policy changes implemented by Jimmy Carter and continued by Ronald Reagan would reverse this trend. See Footnote 4 above.

7(The Editors) Since the Government, in its myopia, inertia and lethargy, can not be relied upon to address this trend, it will be up to us, the public, through private industry to address and remedy this national security issue. Remember what is good for tavernator.com is good for America, so we ask you to spread the word, comment, and even create and obtain sponsored entries. ( See Definitions) Also trust us, Beertheostorian A in charge of $2 to $3 billion dollar classified budget is a truly scary thought. He might begin extracting U.S. citizens to be tortured by overseas governments, starting with us.

8 (The Editors) At least, more irrefutable than the evidence and justifications used to get us into the Second Iraq War.

9 (The Editors) For people who have a fundamental misunderstanding of what serious and learned mean.

10 (The Editors) By people who have no more than an 8th grade understanding of political and economic history.

© 2008 Beertheostory, Inc.

(The Editors) Beertheostorian A is a Spiro T. Agnew Alumnus of The Johns Hopkins University. He is currently an attorney who is experiencing a John Grisham like legal career. He is also involved in the cutting edge of one of the largest trends in America today. (See definitions)
See Definitions.
We acknowledge that we are borrowing a joke from Monty Python, live at the Hollywood Bowl (See http://www.montypython.net/hbowlmm1.php) and a phrase from our brethren in the health industry, Phillip Morris. (see definitions)
(The Editors) See our upcoming blog entry, “How Jimmy Carter and Sam Adams won the Cold War.” or something similarly titled.
IPA Imperialist Project Ale, often commonly referred to as India Pale Ale. This is a standard British style pale ale supercharged with extra hops and a higher alcohol content to survive the trip from Britain to India. Developed around the 1780’s for export to troops supporting British Imbeerialism in India and later other parts of the world. The long voyage would age the beer mellowing out some of the extremes the extra hops and alcohol would otherwise add to the flavour.
Peak Beer, a concept similar to Peak Oil where a nation has reached its Peak Beer producing capacity based upon available resources and reasonable demand. (See Definitions) Fortunately for the United States, Peak Beer is not as harsh an absolute as Peak Oil in terms of supply as certain simple policy changes could easily increase the availability of malted barley and hops, annually renewable resources. It is the demand side that is of greater concern as Americans increasingly choose wine as a beverage of choice. In the early 1980’s it appeared that the United States had achieved Peak Beer status as Breweries closings continued unabated. Yet policy changes implemented by Jimmy Carter and continued by Ronald Reagan would reverse this trend. See Footnote 4 above.
(The Editors) Since the Government, in its myopia, inertia and lethargy, can not be relied upon to address this trend, it will be up to us, the public, through private industry to address and remedy this national security issue. Remember what is good for tavernator.com is good for America, so we ask you to spread the word, comment, and even create and obtain sponsored entries. ( See Definitions) Also trust us, Beertheostorian A in charge of $2 to $3 billion dollar classified budget is a truly scary thought. He might begin extracting U.S. citizens to be tortured by overseas governments, starting with us.
(The Editors) At least, more irrefutable than the evidence and justifications used to get us into the Second Iraq War.
(The Editors) For people who have a fundamental misunderstanding of what serious and learned mean.
(The Editors) By people who have no more than an 8th grade understanding of political and economic history.

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10 Responses to “The Beer Theory of History – Introduction”

  1. Wine Consultant | 16/09/08

    Is there a Bacchus of Beer?

  2. Beertheostorian A | 18/09/08

    Dear Wine Consultant:

    There are a number of beer gods, demi gods, and demagogues, not including myself. A short list would include: Ninkasi a Sumerian beer Goddess from what is now modern day Iraq; Gambrinus, a Flemish king from what is now the Netherlands and Belgium; and Radegast an ancient Czech god of beer from what is now the Czech Republic; formerly Czechoslovakia when it was a complete country; and Sekhmet the lioness goddess of ancient Egypt from what is now modern day Egypt(duh).

    Moreover, Bacchus was originally a beer drinker. The etymology of Bacchus dates back to Minoan culture on the island of Crete. The Minoans were heavy beer drinkers and Bacchus devolved to wine as a result of the corrupting influences of the ancient mainland Greek and Roman elites, who as we all know, from watching the HBO series Rome, were the most lecherous and profligate ruling class and engaged in all kinds of debauchery.

    More on this in a later installment.

    Beertheostorian A

  3. admin | 25/09/08

    Thought we had our first spam comment, based on the opening line.

    Very funny phattony!

  4. jhanlon | 25/09/08

    Great site, very informative.
    Could you tell me, what is the rarest form of beer currently available?
    Sincerely
    “Thirsty”

  5. Beertheostorian A | 26/09/08

    Dear “Thirsty:”

    This is a difficult question and may take further investigation on the part of my crack team of researchers. Off the top of my head, the rarest form of available beer would be a true Abbey Ale, actually produced in a monastery or abbey. (Abbey style ales are becoming relatively common and provide very good facsimiles of their abbey produced brethren.) Maybe harder to find in the U.S. is a true German Rauchbier. We will try to get back to you on this and we welcome suggestions of other rare beers people should seek out.

    Beertheostorian A

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  9. Sumeria a Superior Civilization? Part 1 | 12/08/09

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  10. D. Wysteria | 13/12/12

    Great Blog. Makes me want to drink beer!

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